If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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