So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
what is it with giant penises always finding me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
