My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
