You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
