I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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