my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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