Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you had me at cake vodka
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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