I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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