i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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