Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
