Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
