I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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