i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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