God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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