never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
