I am in a vortex of obligation.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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