i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
