he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
