i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
