he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
