Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
