Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
