If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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