not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
