I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
