I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
