you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
