remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
