So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
