bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
