do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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