I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize