Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
