how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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