She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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