boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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