when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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