My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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