The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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