yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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