The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
