I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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