she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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