I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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