Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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