Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
