I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
