Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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