so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
