apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
