Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
