White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
