i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
