I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
