You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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