Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
