1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
