well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
