I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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