All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Don't make out with my wife yet
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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